Super Bowl weekend is the most watched event in the world year in and year out. Like sex it is also one of the most exciting things to happen in your life. I asked “a friend” of mine to compare his sex life to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately he couldn’t come up with 69 ways so we settled for 24.
1. There is a beginning, end, and at least 1 climax.
2. Coldplay is the soundtrack.
3. Lots of warm bodies groping each other in tight spaces.
4. Aggressively consistent ball handling throughout.
5. Due to outside stimulants, intensity of play can be affected by moisture.
6. There will be bruises and pulled groins present at the conclusion. And it will be awesome.
7. It will be televised to over 30 countries. If you are into that..
8. Sweat. Lots of sweat.
9. One move/play could fuck up a whole year’s worth of hard work.
10. There’s nothing safer than having a raincoat. Or at least a windbreaker.
11. If you are lucky you can hit the hole just right and pull off a record-breaking performance.
12. Roger Goodell congratulates you at the end. In my case, the Fathead version I have above my bed.
13. Superman in one form or another will make an appearance.
14. There is someone out there who is experiencing it for the first time. Virginities. Gone. Finally….
15. You take a shower after.
16. There is a lot of receiving.
17. At some point someone will call an audible. Omaha. As in, the ‘Omaha Two Knuckle Shuffle’.
18. There’s a #69.
19. Each side is allotted 3 timeouts. For our older couples.
20. Performance-enhancing drugs encouraged.
21. Tony Romo’s name probably won’t come up.
22. It’s always a blast if overtime occurs.
23. You can take a hit.
24. In the end, there’s really just 5 total minutes of action. If you’re lucky. This is what we train for.
Tyler’s original article is here.
Humility is not his strong suit. He graced CollegeHumor.com with his talents in New York City from 2013-2014. He is self-proclaimed “narcissistically humble” (Has been nominated by Webster’s for ‘Adjective of the Year”). A lover of oxymoron’s but hates morons. Has worked for publications such as CollegeHumor.com in New York City and the PBH Network in Brooklyn.